Motor Bikes - the art of crashing

RSX100

My first bike, it never seemed to use any fuel and it seemed to run like clockwork but then, 3 weeks after buying it, it just stopped in traffic and wouldn't restart. Had I bought a lemon? It turned out I'd just run out of fuel ! There's something about simple reliable machines that make you love them. After a year I went to a garage to buy a large spanner to adjust the chain. I figured I ought to do some maintanence on it but I was sidetracked by a...

VFR750

It was the back tyre that caught my eye, for those days it was huge. I asked for a test drive and, not being stupid, they wouldn't let me drive and instead put me on the back with one of the garage hands driving. I was hooked the moment it started up. I'd say the bike was 3 times heavier than my last bike, 10 times more powerfull and about 3 or 4 times faster. I believe the exact same model was raced in some transatlantic race the previous year and won - maybe it wasn't the best progression from my trusty learner bike.

The bike was delivered to my place and I drove the neighbours crazy by going slowly round the block 50 times doing left hand corners and then another 50 times slowly doing right hand corners. I had the bike a couple of years and ended up driving it like a lunatic. I think I managed to go faster on this bike than any other - 150mph down a small B road - this wasn't a sensible place to do that speed but I figured I could see all the junctions so why not. Inevitably I managed to have 5 major spills on the bike and, though it was built tough, eventually I had to say it was the end.

I filled the insurance form (a non fault accident for once) and everything seemed to be progressing fine. Then we moved house and things were left. A year later I passed the house and saw the wreckage sitting outside my old house and thought it would be best to finish the claim ! I rang the insurance and they said no problem, just have the bike brought in and they'd pay. I went back at the weekend and found the bike had gone! and of course it was no longer insured now.

I couldn't believe anyone would take it far concidering the condition. I decided to check the local lockups and there it was, resting in the last one I looked in. It had had all the panels removed and the steering lock drilled out. I didn't feel bad about having the bike stolen concidering I'd left the remains dumped at the side of the road for the best part of the year. I moved the bike elsewhere and had it collected the next morning. The insurance people paid up and didn't ask any awkward questions.

At work I qualified for a company car and, after talking with them, I was amazed they would give me a company bike instead...

Moto Guzzi California

It seems I could have almost anything - bikes were still cheaper than cars at this point. I went allong to the Harley shop but they didn't give test rides and, to be frank, I didn't like their attitude. Ducati's were probably a little to delicate for me and the Japanese bikes were ... just to Japanese. There was a Guzzi shop not to far away and I popped over just to have a look.

I must admit I loved this bike the moment I saw it - that laid back look, the crash protection bars to protect it (and me), hard lugage which actually looked good on the bike, the foot boards. Everything on the bike was simple and there for a purpose. I asked if I could sit on it - they said why not take it for a ride ! Talk about a different attitude to the Harley shop! I drove off into the lunch time traffic and immediately found it was very different to the VFR! I couldn't get it out of 1st gear for the first mile - it has a heel and toe type gear change and you need to be very firm with them until they are run in (about 20K miles!). The braking seemed very week until I tried the foot brake and then nearlly went through the bike's wind screen. Despite all this I headed back to the shop knowing that I'd found my bike.

It could commute, it could race other bikes (if you were very brave) and it could tour. It had a front screen and lugage space, it even had crash protection bars. It even did 50mpg and would cruise all day at 80mph without making you feel tired. I did a couple of round the UK tours on the bike and had a great time.

I crashed them a lot though but, because they seemed to be built from solid iron, it never seemed to bother them - may be sometimes I'd get a small scratch on the bars. I did once manage to bend the front forks - I hit a mini head on and embeded the bike right through the car - and even then I personally thought I could have ridden the bike home.

My best crash was going along the A23, near the Oval. I was banked over and overtaking 3 lanes of traffic when a car up ahead did a very brave U turn. No problem I thought, I'll just squeeze in behind it however this car then collided with a few others and the road was now full of spinning cars. I could see there wasn't a gap anymore, I was still banked hard over from the bend and braking would have me sliding into the 3 lanes of traffic -I decided to just hit the cheapest car - an old datsun that was already spinning in the road. I hit it just behind the back wheel and was a bit surprised when the rear end of the car just exloded into bits - the bumper flew off to my left, the boot and panels to my right. I went through the screen of the Guzi and was now doing a handstand on the bars with my feet above my head. My only problem now was I was still travelling around 40 mph! I also seemed to be be going diagonally across the traffic lanes and I had absoloutly no control of the bike. I could however see the drivers in all the cars behind me staring at me in disbelief and ramming their brakes as hard as they could. For a moment I thought I was going to fall infront of the bike and then run myself over, which would of been very embarrassing, instead I went up the kerb and into a wall. I landed next to the bike with the bikes wind screen still wrapped around my neck. I felt fine but my heart was almost bursting out my chest. A pedestrian was running up to me but I held out my hand to say I was fine. He didn't even ask me how I was, he just said "mate, that was the most ammazing thing I've ever seen". Needless to say I just rode the bike home and ordered a new screen from the garage.

Kawasaki 750 Cruiser

This bike was a lemon. I bought it 2nd hand in the USA with the aim of touring the country for 6 months but it barely lasted a week before terminally overheating. I was riding through death valley when it suddenly went completely dead underneath me - I had to wait 2 hours before someone went past - the guy was driving a large lorry and we couldn't get the bike onto the back so I asked if he would tow me. I soon worked out that this wasn't a good idea. The only rope I had was for the camping and so it was pretty short, I couldn't see anything but the back end of the lorry. I also made the mistake of tying a knot so it was impossible to get unattached. I presume if I did fall off then the lorry driver would find out when he eventually stopped and got out.

Any way we made it to Barstow. A garage said the charging system had burnt out and volunteered to recharge the battery for me. I spent the evening in a pretend country and western bar watching people square dancing or fighting depending on how much they had to drink. I felt miserable.

The next day I set of back to San Fransisco, The battery was fully charged, I'd removed all the lights so all the electricty that was left would just be used for the spark plugs - the garage owner had no idea how long the charge would last but thought I might make it 500 miles. Just after leaving Barstow an oil seal overheated and blew out and so now oil was starting to spew from the side of the engine. I was now feeling very depressed! I plugged the leak with tin foil and string! I then had to ride the bike at no faster than 40 mph (so it didn't overheat). I also had to ride the bike at an angle of roughly 45 degrees to stop the oil from comming out, there were no lights etc and I had to ride roughly 500 miles. It was a dismal ride.

Kawasaki Ltd 440

I had no money left and this was the cheapest bike I could get. I set off on grand tour knowing that this was one of the smallest bikes I'd ever owned. The previous owner had driven it 50 miles a week and kept in garage and now I was planning taking it 200 miles every day and parking it in deserts and mountains. I learnt to love the bike, it was honest, it made friends with everyone and it allways (well nearlly allways) worked.

I only managed to crash this bike once which, concidering the milage, wasn't bad. I'd been driving down the pacific coast just looking out and watching the waves crash onto the beach. It really was a beautifull site but suddenly the road noise just stops and everything goes silent ! I looked down and discovered I'd driven off the side of the road and was now flying through the air and about to land on the side of a steep slope heading down to the beach. The landing wasn't very skillfull but we managed to stay upright and, after a small break to gather my thoughts, I managed to drive slowly back up the slope. Thinking about it I also managed to flip the bike while driving the bike up a steep cliff path with the aim of camping at the top.

When I'd just about finished my trip the bike was beginning to fall to pieces - the battery was shot, the steering wobbled and everything squeeked as we rode allong. I dropped into a motorbike shop on the Appalucian trail and asked if there was anything I could do to make it last a little longer. He asked what I was doing and I told him about the Rockies, Canada, the pacific coast road, the deserts and mid west, the Keys and now the east coast route. He thought for a while and then said "you know what you're problem is ?" , I looked at him expectantly, "you're just having to much fun". He had a point.

XJ900

Some bikes fill you with emotion and opinions but this bike wasn't one of them. I bought it when I returned to England and it suited my needs fine. I even used it on my honey moon, Clare had been all over the world and I knew she didn't want to fly anywhere so I naturally thought - a biking/camping trip to the Outer Hebrides! The weather wasn't perfect - on driving past Lock Ness it was raining so hard you couldn't see the Lock let alone the monster. By day 3 of the honeymoon we were nearlly divorced and I had to comprimise by staying in bed and breakfasts every other day.

I only managed to crash this one once and sold it on eventually to a dispatch rider...

BMW GS 1100

If the germans were asked to build the perfect functional bike this would be it and that is probably what they were asked to do. It was a fantastic bike around town with all its low down power and grip, the suspension is very unusual but it works well and the brakes are ABS so you end up allmost ignoring the road surface. It's not pefect though - there is wind noise and buffeting around 75 mph and it doesn't crash well.

I was hit while driving allong through London traffic, I guess no faster than 40 mph when suddenly a car U-turned from the other side of the road. I didn't even have time to hit the brakes and instead colided with the bikes handlebars, the cars windscreen and finally the road before coming to a stop. I tried to turn to see the state of the bike but I simply couldn't move. That wasn't a good sign but I could wiggle my fingers and toes. The police were there instantly and cordoned of the road with me laying in the middle of it while we waited for an ambulance. Unfortunately it was christmas eve and there were no ambulances free so I just lay there in the road surrounded by the police who didn't want to move me but certainly kept me entertained. It was lightly snowing but the bike suit kept me quite warm but the police looked absolutely frozen. 2 fire engines stopped and asked if they could help - a copper asked "can you light a fire?". At one point they were going to call in a helicopter to remove me - I was quite looking forward to a helicopter ride. After 2 hours 30 min an ambulance arrived and I was taken to the hospital. It turned out to be just broken ribs and I couldn't move because the spinal muscles had gone into spasm to protect the spine. I was quite relived but it still hurt. It also turned out the car driver wasn't insured.

Gilera runner 180 SP

I was given this scooter while the BMW was being examined. I initially thought that it would be so embarassing to drive allong on a scooter after so many years on big bikes but I loved the thing. Within 10 minutes of riding it I was laughing away thinking this was the best fun I'd had in years. The only issue with this particular machine was the local youth who all wanted to nick it.

Concidering the bike was raced for every minute of the 4 years I owned it - it came away looking allmost brand new. I did have one small knock in Brixton - 3 large gentlement were crossing the road - they saw me and stopped and then just as I was passing them one of them jumped out in front of me and went straight over the handle bars. While laying in the road I reached across and pulled the keys out of the bike immediately - I could only think this was a very masochistic way of stealing a bike. The chap jumped up and helped me of the ground then picked the bike up and appolgised profusely (how wrong can you be about people!). He said he wasn't hurt but when I got home I found the screen had broken, the ABS plastic was broken in the fairing and the front disk brake was bent - they obviously build people tough out in africa.

Considering this bike was raced every day of it's life (5 years) I think it did very well. One day I was going along and the bike would suddenly shimmy from side to side. I stopped and looked the bike over but everything seemed fine. It happened again a mile or two later but I still couldn't work out what was wrong. A motorcycle dispatch rider pointed out the problem a few days later - "you do know your back wheel is falling off mate?". I'd had the rear tyre replaced on the cheap at a local garage but it appeared they'd forgotten to put the bolts back that hold on the wheel!

Another evening I had a chap catch me up at the lights to tell me my brake lights weren't working. I thanked him. He then commented that he noticed the problem that morning - was he stalking me?? - to escape this conclusion he laughed and said he didn't get overtaken by scooters often (he was riding 1000cc race bike). A few days later I had a motorcycle dispatcher tap me on the shoulder - "do you know your battery's fallen out?" - I looked at him as if he was mad but sure enough, my battery was now dangling by the wires against my exhaust! I realised the bike was reaching the end so I exchanged the scoot for my vespa. Must admit though, this was one of the most fun bikes I've ever owned.

XJR 1300

You can just see this bike in the photo above, it looks like it's hiding behind the scooter but in reality this bike was a monster in every sense of the word. I made the mistake of walking into a bike show room and saw this one at a great price. It seemed to be a cartoon of a bike - huge engine, huge tyres and not much else. I bought it straight away and rode it home. It was very easy to ride with a low center of gravity and as much power as anyone could want - it was a bit like sitting astride a Saturn 5 rocket. It was great just sitting on it at the traffic lights with the engine shaking the windows of the cars on either side and when opening the throttle it allways felt like the carbs would suck in small children.

I managed to crash this one comming back from tennis. I managed to lock the front wheel when a chap ran out into the road and ended up with the bike on top of me sliding down the road - did I mention it's quite a heavy bike. Sadly I was only wearing tennis gear at the time and, while the bike was quite easy to repair, I took a little longer and my track suit was definitely ruined, if it wasn't ripped then it was stained red. I ended up at the local hospital where they scrubbed all the grit out of my skin - they do this with a scrubing brush and it's not very comfortable ! then they tried pulling my big toe into shape - I think I'd broken a few bones down that way - this was particularly uncomfortable. I'd recommend that if you're planning on crashing - wear bike gear!

Vespa 200 GT

I sat on one at the motor show in the London Docklands. It seemed to offer just about everything I needed - good economy, good luggage space, it looked great and could hit 80mph flat out. I even felt like singing Cliff Richard songs while sitting on it.

I bought one from my local scooter shop and so far I'm quite pleased. You feel a lot more mellow when riding it rather than wanting to race everything and anyone as on the Gilera. It's also much quieter - the gilera was just too loud (the little holes in the exhaust didn't help). The only real problem has been the metal build of the machine - it's good for adding some weight to the ride (sprung to unsprung weight ratio - if you car about such things) but it was also very easy to nick. My poor machine looks rather uncared for and it's only 6 months old - a dent in the front where a chap dropped his bike on mine in a bike park, a dent on the back when I dropped my lock and then I locked up the front wheel and slid for a couple of feet so now there's a scrape down the side! I then had a car door open up on me while I was undertaking it - I found myslef in a shop doorway with the scoot on top of me - yet another big dent in the side. Perhaps it's time for another.

The little things I like about the bike are :-

• a plastic bag hook on the front - a little thing but so usefull
• electric button to release seat - I can now leave the engine running and grab my waterproofs
• light is always on - I now just forget to turn on the lights on the XJR because it's not automatic !

Vespa 250 GTS

I was so impressed with the last scoot that I bought the latest model - it's a very good bike. So far no dents in it but I'm sure it's just a matter of time. I still have the old bike just in case I manage to write this one off.